To the Irish Rail Management
I am writing to express my disgust at the dearth of interesting conversations among the passengers on your trains. I have been told by extremely reputable sources that people on your trains regularly pour out the intimate details of their lives, providing excellent opportunities for eavesdropping and rich material for stories. However, I have let to experience this.
All I hear are beeps coming from phones, the tinny electronic sound of video games and music of questionable quality. From time to time, I may hear a request to be picked up at a particular train station or a remark about the weather. But I hear no evidence of this rich eavesdropping potential my sources have told me about. No declarations of love. No details of a clandestine affair? No rip-roaring rows.
I feel that I have been seriously misled as to the quality of the passenger conversations on your trains, and I suggest that if you want to provide an entertaining and immersive experience for your train passengers, you will need to start attracting a more colourful and loose-lipped type of passenger. I’m happy to start the ball rolling with some lurid conversations of my own, though as a fiction writer, I cannot guarantee the truth of these.
If you were to provide such an eavesdropping service, it would be of great benefit to writers like me, who are in search of stories, or to any passenger looking for diversion from their own dull loves. Since you are always complaining that your train services are losing money, I am sure you will be willing to consider any idea that will boost yoru ailing finances.
Yours in disgust.
A lazy writer in search of inspiration.